alive//breathing

With all these new social networking websites like Twitter and Tumblr, im glad I still have my blog. Tumblr is just like blogspot in a sense you can do all the same things. And Twitter well...whats the point? Anywho, I have had a lot on my mind lately and seeing as I can't really talk about it with anyone (because these things aren't really conversation starters) im just going to dump it all here. Thank goodness no one reads this.

I'm stoked to be taking my advertising classes finally next semester. I'm ready to feel like I am actually DOING something, rather than going through the motions. I have been really enjoying my ,ENGL 391 class simply because I'm learning skills in Photoshop & Dreamweaver, things that will help me in the FUTURE! If I think really hard, im sure all these other classes i am taking are sure to help me some how. But for now, I'm just going to dismiss it all.

I wish I had something that would hook up to my mind and as I think things it will just filter down a tube onto a paper or screen. I don't know why I have such a hard time writing things out that I see so perfectly in my head. I think that is one thing that hinders me from becoming a great painter...a magnificent painter. I can never put things down clearly. That and thinking outside the box is a bit...difficult.

There are so many things I want to do with my life, speaking of painting. I want to write a book that people will actually read. I want to paint something BRILLIANT that people will be wishing they have thought of. I want to actually say music is my life, I want to be fully immersed in it. I want to book shows, talk to musicians, put out a zine, be able to unclog my ears and listen! I was so enthusiastic about getting into the local scene back in Virginia Beach. Let's be real though, there isn't really one and if there is, it is made up of a bunch of kids who could really care less about it.

But back to things I want to do

I want to travel a lot before I have kids. ALOT. I want my house to be made up of exotic gifts. I DO want kids. I want them to experience so much. I don't want to hinder their creativity at all. I want them to take their education seriously, I want them to want to learn. To be smart. To be the exact opposite of how I treat all this. I am so lucky to have my mom paying for this, I am spoiled in a sense. I'm taking advantage of it.

Back to the local scene, I like hardcore. I really do. But I'm not all about promoting hate. Yeah the world is shitty. But saying shit like STAY COLD or I CANT HATE ENOUGH all that bullshit. Grow up guys. Walking around with a chip on your shoulder doesn't get you anywhere. Im not saying walk around with rainbows shooting out of your ass, but let's be real. I'm not a hateful person, I don't get why getting stoked on hate works. All in all, it's a bit ironic.

I think I'm done with my rants. For now. Stay tuned.

you know

i used to the happiest person alive.

birthday

My birthday is on saturday and dont get me wrong, im stoked in all...but this growing up business blows.

i wish i still had that childlike wonder, to be at awe with the world. how did everything lose its glamour? why have i numbed my dreams, so that instead of wanting to be something interesting like a writer or the owner of a record store, i have dreams of someday getting that call from Dominoes that says im hired?

my mom was always right.

"enjoy your youth while you can..."

i was too busy trying to be more than that...

4am//hard times

im cold, my sinuses are on the fritz. cant sleep, but thinking is beyond my capacity.
im so dependent on you now, ive become a hypocrite. you are my addiction. i always told myself i would never be dependent on another person. i was my own person and i could make it by myself in this world.

that was before i met you.

that was before i realized its okay to lean on someone.

i apologize to anyone i ever said was "weak" because they were in love.

who let love control them.

maybe love, or the lack there of, is the force controlling this world. there is no such thing as hate. there is no such as black or darkness.

just an absence of love

just an absence of light

.

For a brief second

you had me going there. You made me think that within all this chaos and confusion that we call the world, there was someone (or thing) behind all of it.

I guess not.

I cannot blindly accept the fact that a God exists. I need proof. And so far?

Im disappointed.

update

Life is alright. I just need a job, something to take up my free time.

And maybe some hope.

Hope that relationships will be mended so things can get smoother.

I just want everyone to be happy.

On that note, I guess I should talk to a few old friends. I've got some explaining to do.

"It wasnt you...well..it was"

i dont believe in God

he never answers prayers

oh by all means

please, get drunk tonight so i CANT talk to you on the last day ill be in town for a week.
i hope alcohol isnt your way of dealing with me leaving
cuz then itll be your way of dealing with everything shitty
and im not down with that

get your shit together

who needs fancy shit?

no adjectives. no innuendos. no beating around the bush. no pussy footing around.

i am content with life.

and it rules.

warped tour 2009

i want to see:
3oh!3
A Day To Remember
Alexisonfire
Big D and the Kids Table
Breathe Carolina
Chiodos
Gallows
P.O.S.
The A.K.A.S
Underoath


wow my list gets smaller and smaller each year

am i confused?

or is my stomach just really upset?

ratatat rules

lazy smirk

its 4 am
our feet touching beneath the covers, playfully touching
a giggle escapes my lips
he smiles, lazily
"what're you laughin at?" he whispers
the dimples in his cheeks appear at the whites from his eyes slowly dissappear
"are you falling asleep?" I asked in a mock offended tone
"maybe"
"just maybe?"
lazy smirk.
i scoot closer, our noses touch.
his eyes slowly open and stare into mine
a warmth washes over me, content
our steady breathing
it's morning
it's love

school

is stressful. the older i get, the harder it gets.
if anything i just want to quit.


or switch my major.
last effort to appease me mass comm

jeff hardy

be 20 again. So I can love you...again

five

Four Year Strong
The Smiths
Polar Bear Club
This Town Needs Guns
Bearvsshark

*thumbs up*
Moretta Browne likes this

wolf love

one day...

leisure

I cant wait for summer.
Ill have more time to write and explore and work and bike and hang and laugh and run and find love and think and just...

breathe

ceremony <3

being replaced

is worse than being forgotten

one day, im going to find someone great.
one day

hypocrite

i get mad at you for not talking to me. but here i am doing the exact same thing you are doing, not speaking my mind. i know you are having your problems but they have blinded you from seeing the real you, the way you are acting. i just want things to be normal again. why can't you let things be normal, relaxed? don't blame your foul mood on the weather, everyone is experiencing the same shitty climate. why cant you just realize that no one is out to get you? why can't things be like this when we first met?

praying cant help those who dont do the right thing.

i hate being a shell of myself.

i want change.

we're just

two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

please

make things better soon.
i dont know how much more i cant take this uneasiness

three wishes

Tension dissolved
Pass my midterms
Wolfface notice my existence

being single

the new black sheep

skeeve

Do I have a sign taped to my back that says "Only Skeevz Allowed: Apply Within"? Why is it I only get approached by dudes who have soul patches, or are in a frat, or can't speak coherent English, or [for lack of a better term] socially retarded OR find it funny to insult me and then ask me out on a date?

I want this:

I get this:

Am I aiming to lie? Am I out of my league here?

clothes

i suck at making them. hopefully ill get better. i want some racerback tees!

time

if it were possible, that is all i would ask for. every birthday/christmas, at the top of my list, it would be time.

plain and simple.

storyteller

I really wish I could go back to being the best storyteller anyone ever knew. I wrote stories with vivid imagery, captivating plot lines, HEART WRENCHING EMOTION! What happened? I let life get the best of me I suppose. Never have time to sit down and write more than a few sappy lines in a blog no one ever reads about how i wish i could write more.

New New Years Resolution: Write something brilliant.

ps. ive been following my new years resolution. all but one:

do better in school

i need to fucking pull myself up by the boot straps and give this semester a swift kick in the mouth, instead of having it drag me down. i need to prove to my mom and most importantly myself im not here to waste money. im here to start a life. im here to gain knowledge. im here to learn about myself. i need to buckle down and do this shit.

maybe writing will be that hobby i mentioned in my resolution. since im taking a lot of writing intensive courses, it should only help...right?

literature essay

This is an assignment I had to write for my English 215 class. Leave your feedback, no matter how harsh. Yes...I did write about Anthony Green

Literature, in modern terms, is different than the classics we as students learn in any English class. In regards to music, literature should be used loosely especially when writing about pop artists. There are timeless artists like the Beatles and Michael Jackson who have penned great "classics" themselves. However, pop music performed today seems to be at an all time low, done solely to entertain and make money off the ignorant masses. How else would society allow "artists" like Soulja Boy and Nickelback to reach such chart topping heights? One could argue that music is subjective, that it is up to the listener to decide whether there is meaning beyond the words, or just a song to shake his or her rump to. I feel, since music is subjective, that there should be criteria involved when determining whether contemporary music is literature. I believe that first and foremost the art should be created by the artist. Also, literature should enable the reader to take away something deeper and meaningful rather than a ten second high from grinding too hard. Rihanna is a gorgeous woman who has a very distinct yet skilled voice. However, in my opinion, what she produces is not literature. I discovered, though I am sure many people know, that she co-writes some of her songs but has not written a song in its entirety. The Grammy award winning song "Umbrella" was written by Christopher Stewart and Kuk Harrell. Nick Sharpe's favorite song, "Shut Up and Drive", was written by Carl Sturken and Evan Rogers for her album Good Girl Gone Bad. When I listen to any particular artist, regardless of genre, I want to be able to connect with him or her on a personal level. How is this achieveable with Rihanna when I know that two men sat around and pinned lines like " Can you handle the curves? Can you run all the lights? If you can, baby boy, then we can go all night!". I do believe it is harder to categorize most mainstream contemporary pop artists as "literature" because, it is now to my understanding that majority of them do not write their own songs. They are indeed "performers" which means they are the antithesis to what literature is. Entertainment can be apart of literature but that is not it's sole purpose. Antony Green is a name not recognizable to many people. He is relatively unknown within the larger scheme of things yet to me, his work is the embodiment of literature. Let us rewind the clocks back to 2005 when his band, Circa Survive, relaesed their firsrt gull length entitled Juturna. Literature is something that one can interpret and take away a deeper meaning for themselves. When I read the lyrics from the song "House of Leaves", I instanstly found a connection. Lines like "I've been lying wide awake paralyzed by the buzzing of the television. These modern things we know, getting you off" (Green) struck me in awe! The title of the song itself references one of the greatest works of all time, House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. Those lyrics address a deeper issue than metaphorically comparing the act of driving a car to sex. Green's lyrics speak of the mindfuck that is technology and the doldrums that resides in our minds while watching television, the irreplaceable numbness. Those simple two sentences to me are brilliantly composed and the subject matter keeps me thinking even after the song has finished playing. I do not think that all pop artistis are fed to the masses as forms of entertainment. Michael Jackson is an excellent performer, but he is there to do just that, sell records. People will be studying his career for years to come, but will realize that he was not the one who penned Thriller. If we are to use literature to describe pop songs, give the credit to the unseen voice behind the music. Literature, all in all, requires substance, originality and is able to give the reader something to think about. Artists like Anthony Green satisfy these requirements, but no we cannot classify all contemporary artists as literature.

stressed out

things i need to do for the rest of the week:
-finish downloading the music for the party
-fasfa
-call the fasfa people and tell them to reactivate my pin
-check out tights
-annotated bibliographies
-email my teacher
-philosophy homework
-make a mix cd for lionel
-clean the house
-dye my hair
-start my history reading assignment
-study for my theater test on friday

dear you

you have a wolf face. and it turns me on to no end.

vivid dream

I think it was a dream. It had to be...right? I'm laying in bed asleep. Dead to the world. I hear the door to my room open.
"Whose coming into my room? Don't they see my post-it on the door, that I'm Napping?"

I hear this person walk across to the room to the stairs leading up to my bed. The stairs creak noisily beneath their feet. I sigh. I just want a nap.

I feel the bed dip. They're lying in bed with me now? The covers move involuntarily and I'm growing more agitated by the moment. I feel them tug on my pinky finger. Are they trying to hold my hand?

"STOP!" I try to yell, unsuccessfully. I hear them sigh and try to move the pillow from my face. I feel the heat from the sun on my skin. I'm trying to wake up now, this person is pissing me off. I'm kicking now and trying to sit up. They roll off the bed and walk back down the stairs...through the wall.

I stop thrashing. Did they just walk through the wall?

Fuck.

On a lighter note, I hope people come to our party :/

consumer

i am a consumer. i fit the stereotype that many foreigners say best describe America, i am materialistic...when it comes to music. I, being extremely anal about categorizing, wrote out an entire list of all the cds ive sold, given away over the years. Wanna know the number? Over 100. Imagine if I had kept all of them. My closet would be overflowing with mediocre music. Alot of it was bad. Some of it I don't even know why I gave away. I don't even listen to music the same. I download 4 albums a day and don't even listen to most of them. It's an obsession. I used to know all the words, to every song I owned. But now, I've got so much music, I couldn't even name half the artists if I just heard the song. It's bad. So what now? Do I just stick with purchasing music through vinyl/cd format? Only paying attention and focusing on what is in my immediate grasp? Or do I just train myself to actually listen ? Or both? Meh.


ps. Im watching wrestling. Shawn Michaels is a little bitch. Why is Jeff Hardy doing the face paint gig now? Why is Cryme Time setting us back 400 years, but still so god damn entertaining? WHY IS CHRIS JERICHO IN SPANNKIES?!

It wasn't like it used to be back when I was in elem/middle school. Those were the golden days.

house cleaning

one day, im going to make this place a bit more home-y. A bit more me. Until then, enjoy this passage from Thursday guitarist Tom Keeley. Yes, it is another music schpeel.

ps. i really need some new jeans

What are some of the influences for the new record, musical and otherwise?

I won’t speak lyrically. But sonically it’s kind of all over the place. I think we'll always have our roots in post hardcore. Bands like Far, and Quicksand will always be part of our musical vocabulary. But I've always felt that a song was a space, expansive and warm or claustrophobic and cluttered. I've always enjoyed playing with those spaces and treating them 3 dimensionally. So bands like Mogwai and Sigur Ros have acted as examples on how to create those vast open spaces with sounds acting more as shapes passing along a horizon or skyline. Whereas bands like Converge or Envy can often create claustrophobic spaces filled with growling and angular shapes. It’s not all about a melody or a lyric, it’s about density, texture, impact, velocity and using silence as a tool....that’s been a challenging one....figuring out when the hell NOT to play. So that’s all nice and conceptual, but a digression I guess......let’s just say the record is big heavy, dense, melodic, expansive, lush, dissonant, immediate, future shit. haha. compare it to whatever bands you think embody that stuff.

The song "Running From the Rain" was featured in a commercial for Saturn vehicles. Instead of backlash that would have hit hard in the beginning of your career, many seemed content that the band received mainstream exposure. How do you feel the scene has changed in the decade you've been a band?

I think the scene has transformed from a communal gathering in which we have face to face dialogues in real time to an increasingly digitally isolating, abusive self aggrandizing race for the number one spot. There are communities online for sure, but something scary happens when we are in front of the computer which happens less face to face. We get fucking mean. We feel like we can get away with saying whatever we want in the name of sarcasm, with no consequence. People become little Napoleons, promoting themselves as the most important, the most bitingly critical, cynical...fucking mean man. Music is supposed to be a unifying entity...it’s the oldest language, it’s supposed to bind us together, and that was true for us when we started in our little 'scene'. Not only were people accepting if you were different, but they celebrated those differences and wanted to understand your ideas, even if they disagreed. Now it seems, from behind closed doors and in front of a computer we feel like we can get away with being abusive of others ideas in increasingly exclusionary online "communities". We value post counts and making fun of bad grammar over possibly learning something important about someone who has different ideas than we do.

It’s a shame, because it’s been going on long enough now that bands actually write songs about it. Championing sarcasm and one upmanship and popularity over messages of humility, acceptance, and empathy. Not only boring to me, but offensive.

There’s room for all the glossy tongue in cheek dance jams in the world out there about who’s sneakers are cooler. But it’s getting too big and fat and tired for its own good...in the past there have been underground scenes in which people were making the new shit. Basement shows, kitchen shows, vfw halls...actual gatherings of people willing to exchange ideas openly without negating one another’s views....places where people make and share the music that changes the mainstream..if we're all too busy hiding behind a computer to get up and make a community happen, if we're all too concerned with pwning each other on a message board to realize the power of accepting ideas ulterior to our own...we're either going to undermine this process of change in music or miss it altogether.

I'm not saying basement culture is the only way to do it. I'm saying that online culture often eats itself, especially the online youth culture surrounding punk music. We disempower ourselves by getting caught up in, let’s face it, elementary school style whining and bickering over, what?? Difference of opinion and personal taste?? shit that means NOTHING if we aren’t actually willing to listen before we start barking. There are certainly exceptions to this idea, there is just a really strong, seemingly automatic switch that flips when we get online, that immediately makes it difficult to have a really inclusive, enriching and enlightened community....or scene. IMHO..........rofl?

What do you think about the current music climate? Changes need to be made to the way music is released and how record labels operate, so what do you think would be the best way for actual change and progress to be made?

I wish I knew. It would be great if everyone could pull a Radiohead and give it away. But not every band has spent time as 'the biggest band in the world'. Once you sell millions of records you can sort of afford to take chances like they did. We however have not sold millions of records, so. I've heard so many ideas about different models for music/commerce, i.e. selling it like cable, subscriptions services that give you access to vast libraries of music....only selling services AROUND the actual music, basically selling ACCESS to music....and they all sound legit, like they could work. But then they disappear or fail. I think what needs to change to a great extent is the mentality of those who consume music. It’s been a free for all over the last 10 years in which people grab as much music for free as their hard drives can hold...and who wouldn't be tempted to do that?

We've obviously supported file sharing, and still do, but I think there needs to be a slight yet powerful shift in everyone’s mind from FREE IS BEST, GOTTA GET MINE to WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES OF NEVER PAYING FOR ART THAT HAS VALUE? Everyone has a responsibility to strive for a balance between exercising their freedom of choice to customize your own experience with art and music, and making sure not to abuse or take advantage musicians and artists. Putting money into the industry helps labels make recording budgets, which pay for studios, which allows them not to charge an arm and a leg for bands to record...it is a cycle. And as a music consumer, we all play a part. no money= much harder for artists to make their art=less art for those who want it=everyone’s bummed. So strike a balance...download it...make sure you like it first...then go buy it and experience it usually as the artist intended it to be experienced. Music has value, it’s not wrong to expect compensation. And it’s not like we can't make informed decisions these days about exactly what it is we are paying for.

thumbs up

"today was a good day..."

i hope i didnt jinx myself

scum

i cant believe he's married. that vile human being. married. i hope he gets his dick knocked in the dirt.

baribeau

this lyric really stuck out for me. its from the song "never get to know" by paul baribeau

"You might wonder why I'm an asshole
I wonder I'm so uptight
I wonder why I just don't chill out
And learn how to have a good time
But sometimes I'm scared right out of my mind
And sometimes I just get angry
Because I've been let down by the people that I love
But I will not let down the people who love me."

scene

disclaimer: i did not write this.
its long but its a good read

The Scene Is Dead
01/16/09 at 07:15 PM by anamericangod
I'm not sure exactly when it happened. 2003, 2004 maybe. After that I find little to no evidence proving otherwise. There is an occasional blip on the proverbial radar, but there is nothing consistent or convincing enough to prove otherwise.


Something has happened in the past few years.


We have entered a new Dark Ages. What was once a thriving community full of pride and integrity has been reduced to an embarrassing shadow of its former self. The founding fathers of the scene as we once knew it have been replaced. The bands that once served as the core of this movement have been designated as backups while “fresh” and “up and coming” bands rise to the top, achieving ungodly levels of success.


Honesty and talent have been replaced with picture perfect looks. Sincerity and passion have been replaced with dance beats. Innovation is down, imitation is up. You could take most of the members of the current wave of popular acts and interchange them between bands, and nobody would ever know the difference. The bands themselves probably wouldn’t even know. They would press the same synth key while strumming the same power chord while pulling back their hair as they licked their lips staring down the sea of 14 year old girls who have come to see them play tonight.


Give me a fucking break.


I look at a band like Thursday. To say they have had a significant role in forming the scene as we know it would be an enormous understatement. Following the release of Full Collapse and their subsequent explosion in popularity, Thursday was the scene. Watching the band's documentary Kill The House Lights not long ago, I was struck by one of the interviews. They were speaking to a guy who helped manage the band throughout their early years. He spoke of when they were dealing with major labels and what these labels were expecting of them. He said something along the lines of these record executives expecting this band to be the new Nirvana. Can you believe that? A bunch of old men driving BMWs and wearing freshly pressed suits expecting these guys who had crawled out of a basement in Jersey to be the defining band of the generation.


Want to know the most ridiculous part of all that? The fact that this band actually did accomplish that. This band is my Nirvana. To this day, I still remember with perfect clarity the first time I ever heard a song by them. Living in the backwoods hellhole that is northern Georgia, it is hard to imagine any other area more culturally devoid or separated from any sort of creative energy. This is where dreams go to die. I was sitting in the passenger seat of a shoddy pickup truck belonging to my best friend.


"Dude, you've gotta hear this. You've just gotta fucking hear this." He put in Full Collapse. The intro played, and I was graced with the wonder that is Understanding In A Car Crash. I had never heard anything like this. I grew up on school buses that played country music and oldies. This blew my mind. This was something I had never heard before. This was good. Right away, I was hooked, and I knew this was the beginning of something incredible.


When do you think is the last time the current generation of listeners experienced something like that? Kids these days don’t have anything remotely similar to this occurring. They have front row tickets to a musical landscape currently awash with designer bands, skin tight pants, and product placement. Bands that sing about absolutely nothing are making more money, selling more albums, and having their music heard by more people than any of the bands that have been proving themselves for years now. They play backing tracks and synthesizers instead of guitars and drums. They worry more about their ridiculously shaped hair than their ability to write lyrics that aren't reminiscent of what would be found in a 7th grader's MEAD spiral notebook. They are more concerned with producing a 3 minute and 34 second long radio friendly track in hopes that they will be able to shoot a video to showcase their cuteness.


We live in an age of friend requests and MySpace plays. What the fuck is the point, what does that shit even mean? MySpace pages for bands are filled with comment after comment from hormone overloaded teenage girls spouting line after line of nonsensical, unwarrantedl praise. These clowns have been anointed Gods of the Earth for their ability to keep their hair in place and croon sweet auto tuned vocals over an E chord while a drum beat permeates the background.


When the fuck did the music stop being about the music? When did that feeling go away?

The bands I grew up with had nothing but word of mouth and maybe a few demos on a long lost website known as MP3. com.
Yeah, that's right, back in the day bands like Thursday, Taking Back Sunday, Jimmy Eat World, Something Corporate, (insert other band of yesteryear here) did things the old fashion way. And it worked. They were sincere. They cared about the music, and they cared about their fans. I don't look back on any of the albums those bands put out and think "What is he talking about?" or "That's just so trite and forced, who is he trying to impress?" Every line, every lyric, every song is as honest as you can get. And it shows. Very little music that is being made today compares to any of the early work of said artists and the other bands that they held company with.


MTV put a bullet in the chest of the scene. The internet and the explosion of technology in general put two in the back of its' head. What was the killing blow? I’m not sure. Maybe kids in general are just dumb as shit and simply don’t care about anything anymore. As long as they get to be captain of the cheerleading squad or as long as they get their cock sucked on prom night, maybe they really just don’t give a fuck about anything. There’s no time in their lives or room in the hearts to experience and appreciate something like this.


It bothers me that people are abandoning the intimate experience of having that moment when they hear a song, or even more farfetched, a whole album, and think to themselves "Wow, they feel just how I feel. This is something special.” That connection is being made less and less with today’s listeners.


Music has become a commodity. An accessory. A revolving door of shit. There are still bands making great music, many of them part of the original lineup that made this genre so successful to begin with. But they are no longer the priority, and it is getting harder and harder for them to survive.


Maybe I have gotten too old and I am in denial about the evolution of music. Maybe I have already reached an age of nostalgia. Maybe I’m totally wrong about everything. But I don’t think I am. Something is different. The community has suffered, the industry has suffered, and most of all, the listener has suffered.


Especially the kid who hasn’t even had the chance to listen yet. It makes me sad to think that as this progresses, fewer and fewer kids will be having moments like I did sitting in my friends truck, having my life changed by the sounds coming through the speakers.


Perhaps things will never reach that level again. It is hard for me to imagine anything as groundbreaking occurring anytime soon. I am disappointed at the direction the scene has gone over the years, but I am thrilled I was there to see it at its finest. Those are the days I will never, ever forget.


The scene is dead.


Long live the scene.

clammy hands

why is it I can never coherently talk to a dude who is remotely attractive? It seems within a year all the confidence I had dribbled out of me pint by pint. What is this? Why have I morphed into a cyberstalking* troll? Why is my love life the equivalent to the new Drew Barrymore movie?


* according to firefox the correct spelling for cyberstalking is "deerstalking".

blogspot

i have no passion for anything. but i enjoy these things:

cosmic animal shirts
anthony green
vinyl
reading
friends
shows
family
goofing off
emile hirsch
writing letters
daydreaming
tea
biking
making the perfect mix
nostalgia