new semester//new start

Next semester is going to be bringing about a lot of new changes into my life, most of which I am ready for.

For starters, I'll be working. The thought of having a job (a steady income) will make life so much easier. I'll be able to save the 50.00 a month (one of my new years resolutions). Ill be a lot more dependent on myself and not my family. This is real important to me. A few of my friends have thought I had it easy being in Richmond. My dad & grandfather pay my rent. I pay my bills with the financial aid or whatever my family decides to give me that month. I have been getting by on someone else's money. But not anymore. Since my dad has been laid off and they are taking the pension away from my grandfather, that steady flow of "free money" is now being cut out. I am regretting not saving MOST of the money I was given. But now that I have a job I will be able to start. Also, once school is out I'll either a) get a second job or b) go to summer school. More than likely a) so that way I won't be struggling next year to make rent/bills/groceries/school expenses/gas.

I am now down to one show a month. No exceptions...except March. [Portugal. The Man AND Circa Survive? Fuck yeah!]

The only resolutions I have yet to complete are:

• The much needed doctor's visit. I get these annually but my mother has not set one up for me yet. I might just go out of my way and make my own...besides I want to get more info on BC.
• Car Maintainence
• Fixing My Bike (holding off till the summer time though)
• Being Open & Honest (I have for most people...except one or two)

Another big development: NEW APARTMENT!

I am ready to be exorcised from this place. 1607 Grove will always have a place in my heart. It was my first apt, my first "home away from home". Yet I never let myself really be comfortable here, I will be the first to admit. With the new apt, I want to be able to come home and escape from the world after a hard day. Not feel awkward and out of place like I did sometimes over the past two years. I want new curtains/dresser/bookshelf/desk, FERRETS, and more wolf decorations (which I can collect over the months). I want to have potlucks/board game nights/movie nights! I want my mother to finally stay over with me instead of having to rent a hotel (oddly enough).

I want my new room to have a clean/minimalist look. Everything one or two colors, even if I have to paint it myself! I'll be hanging the wolf blanket Tara gave me as a back drop so I might base my color scheme off that. (White/light blue maybe?) I'm debating about the idea of shelves but if I get a tall bookshelf, that wont be necessary.

I will definitely be having more people over, not be such a hermit. I have come to realize that I still talk to A LOT of people who I went to high school with. I have a strong feeling when I graduate from VCU, I won't be in touch with a lot of people. Most people were randos I met at parties who never cared to speak to me after that night. Others I simply let fall through the cracks of my life since I started dating Patrick.

New year, new me.

I've been hanging out with one or two people a week and so far it seems to be mildly working. At the same time, everyone is working/studying/has a bf or gf as well so fitting time in to hang with friends is a hassle for us all.

Here's to being able to re kindle some old friendships and make new ones!

Counting down the days...until then see you my friend!

alive//breathing

With all these new social networking websites like Twitter and Tumblr, im glad I still have my blog. Tumblr is just like blogspot in a sense you can do all the same things. And Twitter well...whats the point? Anywho, I have had a lot on my mind lately and seeing as I can't really talk about it with anyone (because these things aren't really conversation starters) im just going to dump it all here. Thank goodness no one reads this.

I'm stoked to be taking my advertising classes finally next semester. I'm ready to feel like I am actually DOING something, rather than going through the motions. I have been really enjoying my ,ENGL 391 class simply because I'm learning skills in Photoshop & Dreamweaver, things that will help me in the FUTURE! If I think really hard, im sure all these other classes i am taking are sure to help me some how. But for now, I'm just going to dismiss it all.

I wish I had something that would hook up to my mind and as I think things it will just filter down a tube onto a paper or screen. I don't know why I have such a hard time writing things out that I see so perfectly in my head. I think that is one thing that hinders me from becoming a great painter...a magnificent painter. I can never put things down clearly. That and thinking outside the box is a bit...difficult.

There are so many things I want to do with my life, speaking of painting. I want to write a book that people will actually read. I want to paint something BRILLIANT that people will be wishing they have thought of. I want to actually say music is my life, I want to be fully immersed in it. I want to book shows, talk to musicians, put out a zine, be able to unclog my ears and listen! I was so enthusiastic about getting into the local scene back in Virginia Beach. Let's be real though, there isn't really one and if there is, it is made up of a bunch of kids who could really care less about it.

But back to things I want to do

I want to travel a lot before I have kids. ALOT. I want my house to be made up of exotic gifts. I DO want kids. I want them to experience so much. I don't want to hinder their creativity at all. I want them to take their education seriously, I want them to want to learn. To be smart. To be the exact opposite of how I treat all this. I am so lucky to have my mom paying for this, I am spoiled in a sense. I'm taking advantage of it.

Back to the local scene, I like hardcore. I really do. But I'm not all about promoting hate. Yeah the world is shitty. But saying shit like STAY COLD or I CANT HATE ENOUGH all that bullshit. Grow up guys. Walking around with a chip on your shoulder doesn't get you anywhere. Im not saying walk around with rainbows shooting out of your ass, but let's be real. I'm not a hateful person, I don't get why getting stoked on hate works. All in all, it's a bit ironic.

I think I'm done with my rants. For now. Stay tuned.

you know

i used to the happiest person alive.

birthday

My birthday is on saturday and dont get me wrong, im stoked in all...but this growing up business blows.

i wish i still had that childlike wonder, to be at awe with the world. how did everything lose its glamour? why have i numbed my dreams, so that instead of wanting to be something interesting like a writer or the owner of a record store, i have dreams of someday getting that call from Dominoes that says im hired?

my mom was always right.

"enjoy your youth while you can..."

i was too busy trying to be more than that...

4am//hard times

im cold, my sinuses are on the fritz. cant sleep, but thinking is beyond my capacity.
im so dependent on you now, ive become a hypocrite. you are my addiction. i always told myself i would never be dependent on another person. i was my own person and i could make it by myself in this world.

that was before i met you.

that was before i realized its okay to lean on someone.

i apologize to anyone i ever said was "weak" because they were in love.

who let love control them.

maybe love, or the lack there of, is the force controlling this world. there is no such thing as hate. there is no such as black or darkness.

just an absence of love

just an absence of light

.

For a brief second

you had me going there. You made me think that within all this chaos and confusion that we call the world, there was someone (or thing) behind all of it.

I guess not.

I cannot blindly accept the fact that a God exists. I need proof. And so far?

Im disappointed.

update

Life is alright. I just need a job, something to take up my free time.

And maybe some hope.

Hope that relationships will be mended so things can get smoother.

I just want everyone to be happy.

On that note, I guess I should talk to a few old friends. I've got some explaining to do.

"It wasnt you...well..it was"